Pondering In My Heart

From my Prayer Journal December 23, 2015

Because I long for a

flat on my face,

I surrender,

you are Mine,

ugly cry

come to Jesus

prayer

that heals me in an instant, evaporates my insecurity and fears,

quiets the voices with way too much clout and explodes in my heart a huge amount of confidence in God’s Love for me..so much that it barely fits and changes me forever.

Noticeably.

Turns my ears inside out and pins my tongue to the roof of my gaping mouth.

Yeah, just that.

Jesus

 

Because it turns out that all the insecurity, second guessing, nagging, self-crushing critical voices in my head, regrets and haunting failures are just rubbish.

Unnecessary.

A crying shame gathered together and intertwined in an ugly mess.

They can be tossed off the flying deck, dead weight no longer hindering the full speed ahead to Your ferocious Embrace.

To freedom. To peace. To bold confidence in the Father’s Love.

Bridge jumping

 

I want a monumental focus change, away from me and high definition on You, Your Goodness, Your Majesty and Power,

Your unstoppable Sacrifice which is MY saving Grace.

I am good, because You made me that way.

I love…because You first loved me.

I can’t earn or lose Your Love no matter what I do or don’t do.

If I could just stop looking down and keep looking up; His love for me is more a reflection of His Goodness and His Perfect Love than anything I can accomplish. That doesn’t undermine my value…it underlines it.

God knows I’m weak and He’s not looking for me to confess my weakness, but rather He wants me to recognize it and unite my feeble attempts to His Sacrifice, infusing my efforts with His Saving power, realizing His Presence inside of me.

Remembering that I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

(Phil 4:13)

For His Glory, not my pride.

Lord, speak to my heart, stop me from second guessing, help me to be confident in Your Plan, Your Provision, and first and foremost, Your Love for me. Amen.

after a run Pondering in my heart at I Blog Jesus

December 23, 2015

From my Prayer Journal…April 16, 2015

Divine-Mercy-Novena.jpg

This year, I said the Divine Mercy Novena beginning on Good Friday, through Easter and through our days in Orlando, exhibiting at the National Catholic Education Association conference. My daily prayers were a little distracted at times, stealing a couple moments alone where I could…or following my Divine Mercy App on my iPad on the Trade Show Floor.

Happily hosting out-of-town cousins on the day we returned home, I knew hospitality should rightly win over my one opportunity to go to confession, and if that was really going to be bothering me, maybe I’ve got the message wrong.

I definitely feel more comfortable following the rules and would have felt more satisfied ending the Novena with a confession-cleaned heart, but I felt like the Lord had a different lesson for me. From my prayer journal…

As awesome and enticing, comforting and incredible as the promises of a diligently practiced novena are…maybe I should trust that my feeble attempt, my incomplete novena is some consolation to Jesus. He smiles at me, He knows my heart and He reminds me of the messiness of the vocation He called me to. I think The Lord might be telling me….I’m missing the point if I’m worried that He’s not going to pour out His Mercy to me because I did it wrong, I did the requirements in the wrong order or my prayer was less than contemplative. 

Look how much I’m missing the point of God’s MERCY. Why would His Mercy rely on anything I’ve done, even a perfectly said, perfectly practiced Novena? He knows my heart.

He doesn’t want me to get caught up in a checklist of tasks, trying to earn His Love or His Mercy. I already have it. I won’t exhaust the opportunities He gives me. It’s not a limited deal. There’s no expiry date.

All I have to do is keep seeking Him.

Pondering in My Heart: First Installment (December 11,2014)

I’m trying something new. At the risk of announcing some big Manifesto like Jerry Maguire in Jerry Maguire, I’m looking to do something different. I feel like the Lord is calling me to something new, something deeper, something a little out of my comfort zone…maybe even something that someone else can relate to. If you feel like there’s a reason you found this post…please leave a comment, or email me at mmcconkey a t rogers d o t com.

This is writing I have plucked out of my prayer journal…written without the intention to share.

Sometimes I just need to see if I’m on the right bus…or out to lunch.

 

I heard in a homily recently…that we should be more like Mary, pondering things in our hearts.

This is what I’m pondering in my heart.

light in the church

I do feel that the Lord is working on me in some mysterious way.

I feel an excitement….about things and at times…that maybe most people around me don’t feel. I feel like the Lord is trying to tell me something, but either I need to turn up the volume or I need someone to translate it into the simple language I’ve grown accustomed to. Maybe it’s the crowd I hang with, but I tend to think…I like simple. I like repetition, I like direction, clear instructions, someone to follow. I panic at the thought of being asked to lead or to stand out in some way.

I’ve started to pray….’ok, Lord, even if I can’t teach them to know You, love You and serve You because I’m still learning myself, can You at least prompt me to give them an inkling, that there is MORE, that prayer isn’t humdrum and that Your Presence is True, Real and Incredible’?

this is where this post turns into more of a prayer….

I know You deserve so much more reverence and awe….more than I am even capable of in my limited understanding, but prompt me to honor You and give glory to You, as much as I am capable …even if it pales to what You deserve.

behind the bronze doors

 

Help me show my kids…and others where to look. Put the right people in their path who CAN teach them.

Please don’t take this spark away….it gives me hope that You are calling me; You have a plan for me.

I am better than the unfavourable comparisons I put myself in.

I am better than the scrambled up words I  nervously blurt or the halfhearted almost-already-given up attempts I make at restoring the calm, the uncluttered and the clean…and trying to be holy.

Remind me and convince me that You can and want to do these things through me. You can turn all things to good…even my dumb decisions, my ineptitude, my floundering lacks.

These are some things I’ve learned I’m still learning:

—1— You love me. Unconditionally.

—2— You love my kids even more than I do and no matter what mistakes I make, You can and will fix them and call them to You.

—3—I am the lost sheep….and I’m hardly the only one. Everyone of us is the lost sheep: loved and searched for and taken up into Your Arms as the treasured one.

—4— My desire to know You, love You, serve You, please You…is already a prayer and a sign that You are working in my life.

—5— The Holy Spirit is real. He moves, He speaks, He prompts, He inspires, He gives hope.

—6— The Saints are real. They call us, they come to us, they answer us, they look for ways to lead us closer to Jesus.

—7— Jesus is real. He materializes in the words of the priest at the Consecration. He waits for us in the Blessed Sacrament, He asks us to seek Him as much as He seeks us and He answers our prayers even if we don’t slow or quiet down enough to listen.

He waits for us to climb up onto His Lap.

Jesus

 

Linked up to ReconciledtoYou.com and Theologyisaverb.com for the #WorthRevisit linkup!

 

Comments

  1. This was a really beautiful post! Thanks for sharing with everyone.

  2. Fr. Roger Vandenakker says:

    Great post Monica! And great idea to share from your prayer journal. I love the simplicity, honesty and vulnerability, and the pearls of wisdom.

  3. So beautiful and honest Monica! I could relate to your words in many ways! May the new year bring you new spiritual insights and a deeper love to continue to do His will. Have a blessed Christmas!

  4. Hi Monica,

    Glad I saw this on my home feed. Yes, I feel pressed, the way you do. To be better, to be quiet, to listen, to stay out of the way and practice the corporal and spiritual works of mercy. I often pray: “Lord, set a guard over my mouth and keep a watch over my lips.” I feel that Mary’s intercession works better than my two cents. I am also so impressed that the reason the saints are so influential is that to appeal to them, we practice humility…that we admit that our own strength is not enough in practicing our faith. That God wants us to rely on each other, humble ourselves and ask for help. We are the body of Christ. And without him in the Eucharist, we are just a vine cut from the great trunk of the tree.

  5. Monica, I feel like you read my heart and shared it with the world!
    The realization that we are all miracles and that we are so flawed at the same time… And yet so loved by our Lord!

    I am a pondered. I wonder if, as a mother, I ponder some of the same things that Our Blessed Mother did.

    Sigh… I am babbling! Great post!
    Xxoo
    Em

  6. I thought this was beautiful and honest and as I ponder beginning my own blog, it gave me a shot of courage in that direction. Thank you for having the courage to share!

  7. Thank you for sharing this amazingly honest and beautiful post…very refreshing. May God Bless you abundantly!

  8. My favorite is number 2. I need to remind myself of it more often. The first thing that struck me is that my personality is exactly opposite of yours from what I can tell. A priest (Fr. William Jarema, Mercy Center)who is also a psychologist gave a seminar on personality types last weekend and it was really interesting. It gave a lot of ways to understand people of other personality types. I am betting you are ISFJ.

    • Thanks Crystal! My daughter gave us all those personality tests when she was home from University over Christmas. It was really cool to see how different and similar we all are…just in our own family. I’ll have to check with her….she’ll remember which type I turned out to be. 🙂

  9. Definitely worth revisiting, and I AM So glad you did because I MISSED it the first time!! THAT list could have been plucked right from the pages of my own diary!! AH the validation, consolation and relief of Spiritual Kinship!!! Thank you so much Monica for linking up with us today!! And even more importantly for sharing your heart – these words were definitely something I needed to hear!!!

    • Thanks, Allison! It’s so nice to know that someone else out there can relate….and prays along the same spiritual path! It’s always a little scary to share from the spiritual journal, but comments like yours remind me why I occasionally do!

  10. How blesesd I was to stop and read this post. You can bet I will be back. God bless.

  11. Monica, Beautiful post!!! Thank you for sharing.

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